Pre-TEND

We have a bit of a situation happening here.

You’ll be shocked (except that you won’t be at all) to learn that Blair is trying to pull a fast one on me.  Her latest version of the ol’ bait-and-switch?

Pretend.

Let me provide an example.

This past weekend the family visited my in-laws, and the girls received their Easter baskets. Which basically means that the amount of times I’m being asked for candy in one day, nay – one hour, has skyrocketed. Blair received jellybeans in her basket, and she clearly has her father’s palate. Meaning, what she would really like to do is sit down and eat jellybeans until she pukes (sorry, D – you can’t deny your love for all things candy).

This morning, around 7:15-ish, the girls started asking for candy. With Paige, I can usually give it a “ask me again and I’m throwing all your candy away,” and I generally get a reprieve. (And, yes. I WILL throw all the candy away. Which is why I’m “mean.” Ask Paige about how mean I am. She’ll be happy to fill you in. At length.)

With Blair, however, it’s a bit trickier. She’s sneaky and ruthless. She asked for jellybeans, and I said “no.” She then walked away. And that was the end of it.

Or so I thought.

Fast forward 10 minutes and Paige yells, “MOM! Blair’s eating jelly beans.”

Um, what? Normally I’m not a fan of tattling, but … are you kidding me, Blair??

I looked into the TV room, and sure enough – there was Blair. Perched on the arm of a chair, watching ‘Wallykazam” and shoving jelly beans into her mouth. Let me take a second to point out here that I did not have to WALK into the other room. Sister was about 10 feet from me, and had I not been cleaning up breakfast dishes would have been caught instantaneously (ok…that’s ambitious of me that early in the morning. She would have been caught sooner. We’ll go with that).

I walked up to her, squatted down to her level and asked, “Blair Elizabeth. Are you eating jellybeans?”

“Mommy,” she sighed with jellybean-scented breath. “Pre-TEND.”

Hand to God, people. She said it like I was the idiot who CLEARLY can’t tell she’s only pretending to eat half a full-sized box of Jelly Bellies at 7:25 in the morning.

And, this happens. All. The. Time.

“Blair. Are you hiding your sister’s toothbrush in my hamper?”

“Pre-TEND, Mommy,” said while placing the lid back on the hamper.

“Blair. Did you just take my wallet out of my purse and empty it into this drawer?”

“Mama. Pre-TEND,” said while batting my hand away from said drawer and pushing it shut again.

“Blair. Did you just smack the dog on the head and call him ‘underwear’?”

“Oh, Mommy. Pre-TEND,” said as she rolls her eyes.

All of these conversations happened as I LITERALLY watched each situation unfold in front of me. I mean, you’ve got to hand it to her: the girl’s got cojones. And staying power. She’s sticking to it. She is willing to look into my eyes, and tell me that what I’m seeing happen is NOT actually happening. And she’s sure that she can even make me feel stupid for believing it might be so.

So, her teenage years will be simple, right?

Silly, mommy. Pre-TEND.

Ugh. That face. Those dimples. I'm in big trouble.

Ugh. That face. Those dimples. I’m in big trouble.