Name Change

Oh, Paige. What a pistol.

Her sassiness and grouchiness has hit an all-time high over the past few days. Christmas, vacation with the cousins, staying up late, trying to stop napping, all combined with being about to turn 5 is not a good look on her.

So, to say she and I have gone head-to-head a few times this week would be an understatement. We’ll also just say I haven’t some of my finest moments this past week. I’m tired. She’s tired. We’re basically the same person.

It’s not pretty.

It may or may not have come to a head during lunch today. She had been working me all morning – potty talk, mocking what I say to her (seriously, she mocks me), screaming, talking back. The works. (Honest to God – at one point, I told her I wouldn’t hesitate to pull down her pants and spank her bottom in the middle of St. Armand’s Circle. Her response? “Then everyone will be staring at you, Mommy.”) After asking her for what seemed like the fiftieth time to SIT YOUR BOTTOM IN THE CHAIR at lunch, I’d almost had it.

And then? And then! And then she told Nani that she didn’t care what her mommy said about taking things away, because she’d just get them back at some point anyway. (Which, by the way? Is NOT the way I parent. I will throw a brand-new toy into the garbage if need be. I’m not sure which parent she might be talking about. I’m looking at you – other parent in this family.)

We got into the van, she looked at me and growled, and I lost it. I told her if she was going to act so grouchy then I was going to change her name from “Paige” to “Crabby.” In fact, I was going to call the courthouse that very afternoon to get it done (Obviously, thank God she’s still a preschooler. And that she doesn’t realize that she doesn’t even know what a courthouse is. Or that it wouldn’t be open today. Or that none of this could be done with a phone call.).

She. Flipped. Out.

And? Then? We got back to the condo, and got out of the van and Botsie put his phone up to his ear. And this happened:

Botsie: Hello? Courthouse?

Paige (yelling): No! No! No!

Botsie: Yes, Courthouse. I’d like to make a name change please.

Paige (screaming): Noooooooo!!!!!!

Botsie: Yes, that’s right. We’d like to change Paige’s name to Crabby, please.

Me (chiming in): But same middle name, Dad. Keep it Lee, okay?

Botsie: Yes, Crabby Lee Feldmann.

Paige (Hysterical): Please! No! Don’t change my name! Please!

Botsie pretended like he got disconnected, and at this point Paige was crying real, huge tears. I told her she was lucky he dropped the call, but warned her that the courthouse was open until 5:00 pm today, so she’s better shape up. I honestly don’t think I’ve seen her get quiet so quickly, or get ready for her nap so readily.

I may have hit the threat jackpot.

However, I may NOT be winning any parenting awards.

Eh, what would the first day of the new year be without a solid parenting fail moment?

Not any day of mine, for sure.

Happy New Year, everyone. Courthouse is open until 5:00 pm.

2 thoughts on “Name Change

  1. Oh, you make me laugh – I need so badly to laugh! I had a Paige once; her name was Natalie – she turned out great and takes care of me now. I LOVE your life stories – you are a great writer/mommy!

  2. Pingback: Birthday Extravaganza | feldmama

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