Please feel free to skip this post, as it is full of self-pity.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And tomorrow I will write about everything for which I am thankful.
Today? Is Thanksgiving Eve. So, I’m really only feeling ‘thankful-ish.’ And really, not even that much.
All I can think about is how sad I feel. How much my heart and soul seem to literally hurt. How much I am trying so hard to keep it together, when I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears.
So, tomorrow I will be happier. At least I will pretend to be.
Today? Not so much.
My family is separated this holiday, which is not at all unusual for us. The married siblings almost always spend Thanksgiving with our in-laws, and then we all spend Christmas together. As such, my little family and I are with my in-laws in Water Sound Resort (in the panhandle of Florida) for the week. My twin brother and his wife are visiting her family in Sarasota. And my older brother and his family are with Nani and Botsie in Chicago. They typically go to Evansville, but there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that we were leaving them alone this year.
Because Jobear usually came home.
We never had to worry about it – which is probably silly anyways. They are grown adults, and are so in love with each other it’s a little sickening. Seriously. Lots of pats on the bottoms and whatnot. But we always knew our little brother would be there, and it never occurred to us that it would be any different.
But this year it is. Different.
And it feels horrible. And it feels sad. And it feels empty. I can only imagine how unpleasant I am to be around on the days leading up to today, and I can only hope that everyone around me can grant me a bit of understanding. I want more than anything for us to all be together. But, really? I want more than anything to not think about how the fact that this Thanksgiving being so different will mean that this Christmas will be even more different.
I guess what I’m saying is that I miss you little brother. I miss you more and more every single day. And the holidays seem to hurt more than a regular day – which already hurt a whole heck of a lot already.
We love you. We talk about you every single day. We cry at memories of you, and we laugh at memories of you. And it gets easier to talk about you, but it doesn’t get easier to live without you.
I know this Thanksgiving you probably will be with Grandpa-PA, fishing up a storm, talking about airplanes, drinking the best beer and smoking the finest cigars. And we will try not to be too sad, because that would make you so, so angry at us.
But, I’ll be sure to drink a bit too much and swear a bit more than I should (that is, any more than I already do on a regular day, right?). Because, that’s what would make you the happiest.
And I hope more than anything you will be watching, and will feel happy and will know just how much we love you.
Jobear. Happy Thanksgiving. Ish.