As I log in to write this post, it is 6:56 am. Pre-7:00. And I’m actually sitting up and my brain is semi-working – which means I’ve had an entire large cup of coffee already. And it’s not even technically morning yet in my book.

In related news, I recently received a Jawbone Up bracelet for Mother’s Day. Don’t worry, it wasn’t Derrick and the girls telling me they think I’m fat … I hope. Right?

It’s quite possibly one of the coolest things ever. So cool, it’s a little scary. It tracks my steps and movements, I can enter food and drink consumed, and I can track my mood (it’s been ‘Meh’ for the past week. Seriously, ‘Meh’ is a choice. Love.). And most coolly (most coolest? most cool?) of all is that it tracks my sleep. I don’t know how it works, but I can see how much deep sleep vs. light sleep I get each night, what time I actually fell asleep, how many times I was awake … well, you get the point. I think a little witch lives inside – it’s that magical*.

*Author does not work for Jawbone, nor is she being paid to provide this post. In fact, author’s bosses are two little girls, ages 4 and 2. Which is why author obviously has no idea about technology and still believes in magic.

How does my magic bracelet relate to this morning, you ask? Well, when I went to see how much sleep I got last night this is what I saw:

1h 11m


For those of you who are also just waking up, that translates to 1 FREAKING HOUR AND 11 FREAKING MINUTES. “Freaking” is an actual measurement of time in cases like this. In fact, it should be it’s more-abrasive f-word cousin, but I didn’t want to burn your eyes this early in the morning.

Here is what our “morning” has been like:

1:45 am – Blair wakes up screaming (this has been happening a lot – night terrors are awesome). I kick Derrick, he goes into Blair’s room, grabs her out of bed, brings her back to our room and tosses her on my chest.

1:46 am – Both Blair and Derrick are snoring. Blair is sleeping directly on top of me, with her head on my mouth. If she didn’t love me so much (I hope), I’d be worried she was trying to kill me.

Next few hours am – I try to doze off and on, but am awakened every few minutes with either a smack to the face, a grunt from Derrick as he gets kicked by Blair, or hearing our dog fart and/or snore. Awesome.

5:13 am – I hear little footsteps on the stairs, and Paige appears inches from my face.

P: Mommy, I fink I’m not a very good sleeper. I fink it’s almost morning time, right?
M: Shhhh…your sister is in bed up here. Do NOT wake her up!
P (in ‘kid whisper’ – so, um, not a whisper at all): She is?? Ohhhh – so cute! HEY! I want to be in your bed.
M: Shhhhh! Fine! Get up here but PLEASE be quiet!

5:25 am – After minutes of Paige and Blair whispering to each other (which, I have to admit, is pretty stinking cute) Blair starts freaking out and yelling nonsense. Then somehow this conversation happens:

B: Owo! Owo! Owo!
M: What? What are you saying?

This was repeated for about two full minutes …

B: Owo! I wa OWO!
P: Mommy, she wants an owl.
M: Is that it, Blair? You want an owl?
B: Yes!
M: Honey, you can’t have an owl.
B: Why?
M: Well, where would we get one?
B: Ow-side. (smart girl)
M: You’re right, honey. Owls live outside. But we can’t get one and have it in our house.
B: Why?
P: Hey! I want an owl, too!
B: Mama! P waa a owo tu!
M: Girls! Come on!! We are NOT getting owls!
P & B: Whyyyyyyy?!?!
M: Owls are predators, girls. We cannot have a predator as a pet, okay?
P: What’s a predator?
M: Well, (thinking that this is what I get for answering without coffee thinking) – it would just be like having a shark for a pet. Or a dinosaur. We just can’t do it, okay?
P: Please, mommy! Please can we have an owl?
B: Peas! Peas!!! Owo!!! Owo, Mama!!! Owo!!!

This was repeated for about two full minutes … 

Now, I’m about to let you in on one of my parenting secret go-tos when my girls request something like this. Which happens surprisingly often. For example, last week Paige asked (for about the 10th time) if we could have a squirrel. Last year, she wanted to take the dolphin home from Mote Marine in Longboat Key.

M: Okay, ladies. I tell you what. Later we can go outside. If we find an owl and you can catch it, we can keep it, okay?
P: But we want two owls, Mommy!
M: Fine. We will find TWO owls, and if you can catch them, they can be your pets. Mommy and Daddy won’t help, because we don’t want pet owls. Got it?

Cheers all around, and I am the mom of the year. Because these two silly girls actually think they’re going to catch themselves owls today. Seriously – if they did catch them (or the squirrels or the dolphins) I really WOULD let them keep them. A) I’d be super impressed with their mad trapping skills and B) let’s be honest – it would be pretty cool to have an owl.

So, that’s my morning, folks. Just another pre-dawn at the Feldmann house. Shortly after this conversation, coffee was started and so was Nick Jr. It’s now 7:27 am and we have seen half an Umizoomi, 2 Pocoyos, and a Dora. Paige has covered our dresser with baby dolls and other miscellaneous toys, it’s been my birthday twice, and we are now pretending that it’s her birthday and I’m having a surprise party for her.

I should go. I’m being told to focus.


One thought on “Morning

  1. We were always told we could catch a rabbit if you put salt on their tails. I can hear my dad chuckling as we ran around our yard like village idiots with a salt shaker.

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